The Ex-Files – The Day My Mom Passed

It was 6 am on a warm August morning in 1992. I was still in bed. The phone rang and since CP was up, I didn’t rush to answer. After maybe 2 minutes had gone by, CP came in the bedroom and said, “Hey, wake up.” I rolled over and sat up. “Phone call for you,” he says. “It’s bad news about your mom.” He said it in such a matter-of-fact way I didn’t think it was that bad. I rolled out of bed and went to the phone. CP reached for the receiver and handed it to me with absolutely no concern at all. I really didn’t think it was going to be devastatingly bad news because of the way he was acting.

It was my mother’s step-mom, Freda. She had called to tell me the unfortunate news about my mom’s accident. She had fallen asleep at the wheel and wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. She was thrown from her truck, through the front windshield, and died on impact. I was shaken and devastated. I cried as anyone would receiving such horrific news. I thanked Freda for the call.

When I got off the phone I went into the bathroom to be alone with my grief. I had to prepare myself for a few phone calls. I had to call my sisters, then my Dad. Telling my Granny is what I dreaded the most. My uncle had killed himself just a couple of years prior to this and I was the one who had to tell her. That was hard enough but now her only other child was gone. I would wait for my Dad to come home so we could tell her together. It wasn’t going to be easy. I was upset, crying uncontrollably. I was completely not ready for this. I guess no one ever is.

When I came out of the bathroom, CP said to me, “I didn’t think you’d react like this.” I just glared at him, and after a few seconds, I snapped at him. “How am I supposed to react? We may not have had the best relationship, especially in the last few years but she was still my mother!” He said nothing.

When he left for work, I was sitting in the living room in a bit of a daze. The kids were playing, unaware that anything was wrong. CP leaned down, kissed me on the cheek and said, “Gotta go to work,” and he was out the door. He never once tried to console me, not that morning and not in the weeks to follow. He never said a fucking thing.

CP was the worst human being! He had no sympathy, no empathy what so ever. When he lost members of his family, I was always there for him. He was so crass. Why couldn’t he just help me through this? Instead, it was my Dad that I could count on to understand what I was going through. Even though he and my mother had divorced and weren’t on good terms most of the time, Dad understood how difficult it was to lose a parent because he lost his own mother some 20 years prior.

I don’t know how CP could be the way he was. I can’t even imagine not being there for someone I cared about in a time of grief. There’s no way I could just turn it off and “go to work.”

11 thoughts on “The Ex-Files – The Day My Mom Passed

  1. Oh my friend, I’m sorry that you went through this the way you did. But, you had your dad, and he is the one that pulled you through this. As for that POS CP, good riddance, narcists don’t have sympathy or empathy unless it has to do with them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Deb, has CP ever been diagnosed with a mental health disorder? Because people often talk about narcissists as though narcissists have a choice whether they want to be a narcissist or not. It doesn’t work that way. You can’t will away narcissism nor can you work hard at it for a short period of time and have it go away. Some believe that it isn’t something that can even be changed if you have it. I think that narcissists can definitely work hard at becoming easier people to be around if they are up for working toward that goal; again, though, not everyone believes that narcissists can change. It truly is a mental/personality disorder and it’s awful for those who have it and for those who have to deal with those who have it. There are a lot of people who truly cannot feel empathy and it’s incredibly sad. Their brains are just not hardwired and equipped to feel empathy and they recognize that they can’t do what comes so natural to everyone else. They have to be taught how to respond appropriately to situations because they are blind to other people’s feelings. They have to fake their way through life if they are to be accepted. Anyway, I’m not trying to excuse CP, I’m just trying to figure out his gross indifference to your pain. My ex is a narcissist based upon criteria that meets that disorder. I have nothing to do with him because he can’t take responsibility for what he does and doesn’t do and how that impacts everyone around him. But as much pain as he has inflicted, I don’t wish him ill because the way his brain works isn’t his fault. It’s just a damned shame. His life will never be full or satisfying in the way that most of us have a full, satisfying emotionally healthy lives. In other words, even though he can’t feel for say, me…that doesn’t mean I can’t feel for him; which doesn’t make me a masochist; because I don’t put myself in the line of fire; it just makes me a human being who can feel empathy, even for someone who cannot. Does that make any sense? Maybe I’m making too big a deal out of this! Anyway…

    Deb, I’m glad your dad was there for you and I’m sorry that CP put you through this. I’m glad that you’ve been able to get away from CP! More than anything, though, I’m so sorry about your mom! I hope you are able to grieve and heal! I’m still grieving and healing my mom, who will be gone three years in November. Some days are easier than others, but my life has not been the same since she died. I miss her even though we didn’t always get along. I know it’s hard. Much peace to you, my friend! Mona

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m aware that narcissists can’t help that they are narcissists. To be honest, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I lived with this BS for far too long to care. As far as I know, CP has never been diagnosed with anything. All I know is that he is just like his mother….which I didn’t know until just recently. I never knew his mom well. She showed the side she wanted me to see. But again, I don’t care. It’s no longer my problem.

      Liked by 1 person

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